so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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