I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
