The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
