i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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