i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Drake has all the answers
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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