i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
