If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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