My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize