The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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