I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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