I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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