he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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