I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Shame - the story of my life.
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