So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
