I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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