He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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