she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
