that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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