By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
her vagine was all disorganized.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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