There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize