kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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