I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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