dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
