I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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