I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
