I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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