maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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