Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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