i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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