I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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