The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
