Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
