no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
