Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
