I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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