I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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