my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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