Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
