I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
