do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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