So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
