you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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