He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
