Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
