Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
