There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
