You can't special order awesome
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
