Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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