She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
