Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
