last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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