I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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