He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
