Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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