My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
