Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
