I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
