hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
