Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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