You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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