mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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