She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
