Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
