Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
