My girlfriend figured out who you are.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
