you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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