just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
