HIV tests are more positive than that guy
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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