Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize